Babies and Messes

Sometimes I need to be reminded.  I need to remember that this season is short and I will miss it when it is gone.  I am easily caught up in my imperfect house and believe the lies that I should be able to do it all.  Should is a dangerous word, and unfortunately one often found in my vocabulary.

I should be able to keep my house clean while going to the grocery store, working my night shift job and advancing my career, all the while playing with and investing in my little boy.  Because I see other people doing it, so therefore I should be capable as well.

Maybe other people just make it look easier than it is, but today, this mama is putting the word should away.

Regardless of what I think the world expects me to do, I will remain conscious in my decisions about how I spend my time and my priorities.  I will remind myself often that those extra snuggles with my baby are worth way more than having a clean floor.  Those dust bunnies that have taken up residence in the corners of my floors will just come back in a week anyways, so it doesn't actually matter if I sweep the floors in this moment or not.

Not only will I prioritize time with my babe, but I will also take time for myself.  This is the time that is the easiest to give up.  While Grayson is no longer a newborn, working the night shift does take a toll on your body and I am almost always tired.  Granted working this shift is also a huge blessing because instead of Grayson missing me for a full twelve hour day, he only misses me while I nap for a few hours after I get home.  It is worth it to me to be tired for that time with my babe. But I need to reiterate to myself that it is OK to sleep while the baby sleeps...even if the baby is six months old.  While naps are the easiest time to get all my tasks done, it is also the time when I can rest when I need it.

While this all seems like common sense, it is amazing how quickly I will get sucked back into the spiral again, how quickly I will become panicked about the dust bunnies.  It takes a lot of energy for me to put away the word should, but hopefully, in time, it will become more natural.  So just incase I am not the only one that needs a reminder today here is a poem that someone put in a card for me when Grayson was born.  I am not sure who it is by, but it speaks to my ever running soul.

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

G-Baby likes taking baths in the sink.

While normally I would only post pictures of my cutie, I thought today I would post pictures of the counter next to him.  Just keeping it real. It is easy to want to present a picture perfect front in public, but that just isn't my reality.  I have a baby and my house is usually a mess.  And in this moment I am big enough to not give a hoot.

Updates

Life keeps moving.  And moving. And moving.  Luckily Grayson still does not, because my house is pretty much a baby danger zone.  We will baby proof, one day.  

Last night I spent some time in another hospital chair, this time with my friend Aimee.  She has watched Grayson for me on numerous occasions and been such a help in our lives over the past six months.  Aimee gave birth to a baby boy yesterday and had a really crazy and rough day as they learned that their sweet baby boy had a heart condition and needed to be transferred to a local children's hospital.  The first procedure went well, but the next few days are critical as they take him off meds and see what his heart is capable of on its own.  Will you please surround Aimee, Tom, and sweet baby Joshua with prayers? Will you pray that people step up and watch their two other daughters while they try to navigate this crazy path?  Thank you in advance.  I will post updated prayer requests when I have them.

The new job is going well, but I developed mastitis (a.k.a. feel like death syndrome) for the third time last week and had to call in sick on orientation.  I hate calling in sick, and I hate calling in sick on orientation even more.  The tasks and the charting feel overwhelming, but the location feels like home.  It is good to see familiar faces.  I know the newness will wear off and I will once again become efficient and not look like such a deer in headlights, but until then I am taking it one step at a time and trying to take it all in.  

Jon and I have decided to go on a medical missions trip with our church.  I am so excited to be able to bring some of the skills and knowledge that I have, and I am also excited and petrified to have my world rocked.  I am always in need of a reminder of how good we have it and how fragile life is.  I am so easily consumed by the tasks and trials of day to day life, that sometimes I lose sight of the big picture.  I am hoping God can use the trip to help me focus on the big picture for a long stretch of time.  I hope my heart breaks and I am able to love, pray, care for, and teach the people God surrounds me with.  I hope that they are able to teach me as well.  We are really in the beginning of this process and could totally use prayers as we move forward.

Grayson and I will be flying to Florida in May to visit a friend.  Any tips on traveling with a 7 month old?  

With all this rain and flooding, we now have no doubt that our summer project is to demo the "finished" basement and look into waterproofing solutions.  Please let me know if you would like to practice your sledgehammer skills.

My brain is fried.  I am going to go shower before Grayson wakes up and hope that this is not his long nap for the day because this momma still wants to sleep for a little bit before work.  Fingers crossed.

Dirty Little Secret

This is one of those over sharing posts.  The ones where I out myself and my imperfections and hope that those that know me in real life will continue to love me anyways.

Have you ever had a time where you impersonated your dead mother and got busted?

No?

I have.  It was awkward.

Long story short I was trying to close/resolve one of my mom's accounts and last time they refused to talk to me because I wasn't her.  OK, fine.  So I faxed the required documents and waited for a month for a call.

No call.

So yesterday I called and just said I was her.  I know all the security questions and managed a lot of things for my mom before she passed.  Well about 5 minutes into the conversation the woman realized that the documentation had been completed and the person she was speaking to was dead.  Whoops.  My bad.  She sounded none too pleased.  So I tried to be nice and explain that I had been on the phone for a couple hours and needed to speak to a real person and have my issue resolved (Yes, I lied about my identity, and yes, I know this is just an excuse).

Silence.

Puts me on hold.

"Ms. Bender, this encounter has been noted in the account and your issue has been resolved.  Thank you."

Click.

At this point a string of not so nice things streamed through my head.  You wackadoodle.  It was my mom that died and I am stuck doing this and you are annoyed with me?!?  Do you think I want to make these phone calls? I answered all your security questions correctly so it's not like I swindled information out of you.  Now, I have an easily guilty conscious so I felt bad for a good 30 minutes after I got over my furious rant before I told myself to get over it.  I do realize I lied and was in the wrong, but sheesh, how about some grace or at least don't act like I am the epitome of evil.

Other awkward moments this week include walking out with my top shirt still pulled up during employee orientation after pumping.  We will blame this lack of brain function on my lack of sleep.  I also whacked my head on the glass above the food in the cafeteria that I didn't see as I went to further inspect the possibly inedible pizza.  It made a thud.  A loud thud.  And it is hard to laugh it off while your eyes tear up.

Have you ever used a walk up ATM at a bank instead of the drive through?  I hadn't.  It was in this little room.  Apparently there is etiquette that you do not enter the little room while someone else is still in there, even though you cannot see through the tinted glass to know that the room is being occupied.  I have never gotten such a terrible glare for opening a door before.  I am a magnet for crabby people this week so I should not have been surprised.

While I am outing myself, I want to openly admit that I am not a very proper person.  Jon and I recently went to a nice dinner where I asked which fork was the salad fork.  I sound like a terrible person for saying this out loud, but I currently want to blow etiquette and "propperness" to the wind.

I do not want to send thank you notes out to people who came to my mom's service.  I don't want to think about my mom's service.  I want to pretend like it never happened.  My sweet sister-in-law offered to address them for me, so I don't have too much to complain about, but I am just angry that the principal exists.  Of course my family and I are thankful for love and support, why do I have to perform one more task, in the midst of many tasks to express it?

I just want to be done.  I just want to heal.  I just want to feel better, and I don't want to write/send/think about what to add to a thank you note that is another reminder of my mom's death.  My heart is spent and I feel like grief is getting harder and heavier as time moves forward.

This is not my most mature or glorious moment, just another honest one.  I am incredibly grateful for every single soul that came to the service, or who has loved us in another way throughout this journey.  I would instead like to send virtual hugs instead of generic card.  I am also still incredibly angry that I had to have a memorial service for my mom.  I am still angry that she got sick and died, so this seems to be the thing I want to have a temper tantrum about and fight kicking and screaming.  Maybe instead of sending virtual hugs I just want to continue to ask for hugs.  Because I do not feel like I am healing and I still feel broken.  Maybe that is why I wanted to scream at the lady on the phone.  Because I still feel broken.  Because my heart still aches.  I know grief is a journey and I know it is OK to feel and process every emotion that I experience, but just because I mentally know it is OK does not make it easier or less complicated.

So please know that I am both incredibly thankful, but I also think thank you cards for attending a memorial service are stupid.  I also lie and impersonate my dead mother.  I am far from a proper or perfect person, but luckily there is no perfect way to walk this journey.  Instead I hope to embrace grace, love, and humility as I continue to fumble along.

Grayson and I went for a walk on the first "spring" day we experienced.  It is now cold again with a chance of snow flurries in the future.  He continues to rock my world and melt my heart.

Good-Byes

Sorry for my absence.  I love my job.  After long, frustrating days or nights with Grayson, I sometimes question whether full time work would be easier for me than staying at home.  Sometimes it might be, especially in the magical world called my brain.  However, after the past two weeks of full time orientation, I am even more grateful for this transition in my career and the flexibility of my job to work part time hours in the middle of the night.

About two weeks ago I returned to the hospital I started my nursing career at.  I will be working on the maternal/child resource team (L&D, Antepartum, Mother/Baby, NICU, and Peds).  While it was so incredibly hard to think about leaving my friends, this position will allow me to have a schedule that will work better for our family and also to work a little less.  It will also open the door to spend more time in a level III NICU which I have always wanted to do.  Currently my work is my social life.  So it was difficult to want to make any changes, but I feel incredibly blessed for this door to have been opened and for this opportunity to better take care of my family while still doing what I love.  It is also awesome that I am able to return to a system that I know is great and some fantastic people as well.  Hopefully it will be a smooth transition and will once again feel like home in no time.

Two weeks ago I said goodbye to some amazing coworkers.  I honestly and truly cannot say enough good things about the people that surrounded me at work while I walked the most difficult season in my life.  I will never forget the people that cried and instantly prayed as they heard the "code blues" over the loud speaker, and they knew that it was my mom's heart that needed resuscitating.

I will never forget the people that gave me such a generous shower gift and surrounded me with love as I brought my baby boy into the world. I was lucky to work with some high quality people, and I am so incredibly grateful that they let me into their circle and called me friend.  Thank you for all the support and love, and even more importantly, all the laughs over incredibly inappropriate things at all hours of the night.  You girls made working fun and taught me that I am more than capable of working the night shift and even enjoying it.

This season of my life seems to be one of good-byes.  I kind of hate it.

Outside of work I have had to say goodbye to a couple friends in the past few weeks, and there are going to be a couple really hard goodbyes in the somewhat near future with people I would consider to be a part of my core. My inner circle of support is getting ripped away and I am a wee bit ticked off and petrified about the whole situation.  

I get that I am in a stage of life where people move, and get married, and have babies.  But I would like them to get married, move in next door, and have babies at the same time as me so that we can raise our littles together.  With each goodbye that I have to say, I feel myself guard my heart a bit tighter.  I want to build my walls up higher and keep people at a distance.  While I know there are people who I can start to pursue a relationship and friendship with, I am so utterly sad to let go of the people that know the deepest parts of my heart.  I'm scared to let go of the relationships that don't need much work, but rather are a comfortable ebb and flow that have withstood the test of time.

Immature Jaci wants to throw herself on the floor and throw a tantrum over these goodbye situations.  I don't think I have really presented my best face or opened up to much of anyone over the past year, and I think I'm scared to.   I'm scared that people that didn't know me before everything happened with my mom won't be able to handle me.  Or more truthfully, they won't want to handle me.  I'm scared people won't want to get into this mess with me if we weren't already really good friends to begin with.  And these last few months have taught me that life is one freaking big mess.  

I am still navigating and learning how to do this whole community thing, and adding a baby to our mix changes our entire social dynamic.  Read: I now have very little availability outside my home in the more convenient evening hours.  But regardless of my availability,  I am trying to make a little mental commitment to reach across the divide and start to make friends while continuing to invest in the relationships I have.  When I am honest and truthful, I can admit that I want to know and be known. I want to embrace this truth and to start digging in and living life with people and in community.  I want to be vulnerable, not just from behind a keyboard, but in real life as well.  I want to head into my new job with my head looking up, ready to share my heart and be open to people who are also feeling like they need to build some more relationships.  I want to meet and be in community with other moms, so that I don't feel so alone in this new parenting thing.   I want to tightly hug the people who I know I will have to say goodbye to in the near future.  I want to be intentional with those relationships and plan visits and trips.  I want to be better about writing cards and making phone calls.  I want to reach out because I want people to reach out to me.  I want the deep and rich love I have felt over the past year to continue into the next season.  So if you have been my friend for a long time, or we just met, thank you.  Thank you for listening to my heart and sharing yours.  I have just walked through a really rough season and I am having a hard time saying goodbye to many people I care about.  Please push through my built up walls when I am unable to see them so clearly around me.  I truly want to get to know you better, I have just let me fear get the best of me lately and it is going to take me a little extra time to warm up.  I am going to trust that making friends and investing in community is worth the risk.  The reward will be great, now I just need to remain conscious and reach out in a season where I do not want to walk alone.

Melting

My little love is five months old.

Honestly, I feel like I was jipped.  I try to not just wallow and complain about the last few months of my life, because honestly it doesn't change anything.  I don't remember a ton of the beginning of Grayson's life, which in turn gives me huge mommy guilt.  I want to beat myself up for not studying his little finger nails or his fuzzy head.  I didn't write down any firsts up until this point.  I survived the first 5 months of my son's life.

Between caring for my mom and walking with her until she died, I didn't have as much intention in my pregnancy or my parenting as I would have liked.  I remember even less of my pregnancy than I care to admit.  It just wasn't my focus.

So much like I would want to parent Grayson, I will parent myself. I will repeat over and over again, that it is O.K.  I am not a terrible mom because I didn't write down the first time I tried to give Grayson cereal or the first time he slept through the night.  Oh wait.  That still isn't even close to happening.  Maybe that is why I can't remember jack about the first five months of his life.  Because I, like every momma, am so sleep deprived that I can sometimes barely form a coherent sentence.

And while I don't remember a ton of my pregnancy or the beginning of G Baby's life, what I do remember is sacred.  What I did take time to write down, meant the world to me.  The outpouring of love for both my baby and myself, will not be forgotten.  So no, I have no clue when Grayson tried cereal, but I'm over it.  He will eat for the rest of his life.  Instead I'm going to spend what little mental engery I have to continue to sear into my heart and my mind the images of Grayson in my mom's arms.  I will remember the visits and the gifts we received from people willing to love on our little boy. I will remember the little moments he and I shared in the middle of the night as I fell more deeply in love with his sweet soul.

I was visiting a close friend yesterday and she commented about how he is constantly in motion and ready to jump in and live in every moment, in contrast to her very pensive little  boy who seemed to want to examine the world.  I am in trouble when this kid is two years old.  But I love it.  I love that he is absolutely crazy.  While I look forward to him sleeping through the night, I love that he seems to be so excited most of the time that he cannot contain himself to simply close his eyes.  I love that his heart is not bridled by fear, but open to anyone who will look into his eyes and interact with him.  This kid will stretch me.  This kid will grow me up while he grows up, and I cannot wait.  This babe melts my heart with his grey/brown eyes.  I am enamored as I watch him develop the little personality that I hope will one day lead a big life and make a positive impact in the world.

So for my own sake and relief of my mommy guilt, here are some pictures of my babe and some info.


No clue what to do with this cereal.

 Really, you want me to eat that?

 And, let the melting begin.  We had a little photo shoot yesterday.  How is he this big already?

 Those lashes.  I hope he shares the wealth if he ever has a sister.

 Lounging in my bath.  Grayson loves the water.  I cannot wait for the summer.

At 5 months we still wake up multiple times at night and still only take 45 minute naps.  Mommy finally won the war of the binkie, which you now love, however you wanted me to come give it back to you every 45 minutes the other night.  Not going to happen G Baby.  Hopefully we will find a balance because with the binkie you do put yourself to sleep without a problem.  You now snuggle and hug and belly laugh all day long.  You are a huge people person and will suck anyone into a conversation with you.  It helps that you are never quiet.  Ever.  You currently wear 6 or 9 month clothing.  You are more comfortable in the bigger sized stuff with your big ol' b'dunk-a-dunk from your cloth diapers.  You are starting to figure out that all food is not disgusting and you actually seemed to like peas today.  (You would have thought I was poisoning you with the sweet potatoes.)  You have rolled over from tummy to back a couple of times, but not yet from back to tummy.  It might have something to do with the fact that mommy had you sleeping in a Magic Sleep Suit for the past two months.  Click the link.  You know you want to.  Feel free to make fun of me as well.  Yes I put my baby in a fat suit, and yes he slept significantly better in it.  I will do almost anything for sleep.  You probably don't roll to much because when you are awake you want to be up and moving.  You much prefer the jump-a-roo to the floor mat any day.

You are the essence of joy my sweet babe, and you melt my heart.

One Month Later

Last Sunday I hit the one month mark of losing my mom.  I wanted to write some big monumental post, but I had no words.  Just grieving in the form of sarcasm for my husband and eventually some tears.

Honestly, I don't know what to say.  This still sucks.  As the weeks go on and we get further away from that very challenging and hard last week of my mom's life, I feel like I miss her more.  Immediately after she died, I had so much relief.  The suffering had ended.  Now I just miss my momma.

I know time will heal, I know this is will get easier, but on Sunday it just sucked.

I've noticed that grief comes out in a multitude of ways and sometimes, much like word vomit, it escapes my body in an ugly form.  Poor Jon receives the brunt of it, and sometimes it happens before I even realize it.  Yesterday I was as snappy as a rubber band until I finally broke down.  I didn't want to plan an Easter get together with my family without my mom being able to come.  There is a hole at our table.  It does not yet feel normal or right.  And honestly it makes me sad that as the years pass and as time continues to turn, that it will become normal.  While I don't want to continue hurting, I also don't want this world sans Nancy to be normal.  I don't want  it to be normal for my kiddos to not know their nanny.  Ugh.  I don't want this new normal.

Today we started going through more of my mom's things.  Again, I am not usually a saver, but I am consumed by panic about giving anything away.  I want to hang on to every last little piece of her, even though she isn't in that shirt or that platter.  My mom is in my heart, and in my sisters, and in Grayson...but it is hard to let go of the things she touched.  To remember and trust that my memories will be enough takes strength I don't seem to have at the moment.  So instead I am stockpiling shit in my basement that I will have to go through once again when we demo it this spring.  Maybe I will have more strength on that day.

I don't want this blog to be all of my Debbie-Downer moments, I just seem to have a bit more of them lately.

So on a totally unrelated note, I just want to write down a few things about Grayson for my own memory.  I wanted to be one of those cool mom's that took a monthly photo and did a monthly recap.  Didn't happen.  Sorry munchkin, you are stuck with a scatter-brained momma who can't get her monthly act together.  So we will start at 5 months.  Better late than never.

Grayson, at five months old you have captivated my heart.  You have challenged me as I try to step into this new role of parent.  I have always had a love for children, but when you put the responsibility of fully raising one of them onto my shoulders, I find that I want to stand up tall and not mess it up.  Thank you for your grace and love sweet baby boy, as I surely will mess up in many ways as we walk through life together.  I want to find the balance, to push you and to let you explore while setting boundaries that protect you from dangers too big.  I want to trust that the God that called nanny home, watches over you daily and loves you more than I do.  I want you to be the epitome of a little boy.  You are a little ball of perpetual motion and energy.  While it can be exhausting, I hope that I never squelch it.  I hope that I ride that wave with you and that you teach me as much as I hope to teach you. While I want to keep you little forever, and I lost my cool when you rolled over, I also want you to run, climb, and explore.  I want you to run so fast that you fall down because I want you to know you are so capable of getting back up and it is fun to run fast.  I want you to live life with excitement and bravery.  I want you to be the best you that you can possibly be....but, please feel free to stay little for a bit longer.  Please continue to snuggle into my arms grasp my locket with my momma in it when I feed you in the  middle of the night.  Please continue to squeal with delight since belly laughing is still a bit of a challenge.  God, let me live intensely in the present and in these moments as I try to prepare my babe for the future.  Help me to teach him that this world is meant for play and to not hold him back with my own insecurities and fears.  Help him to know that he has two parents that will always welcome him with open arms as will his heavenly father.

Yesterday I had to be gone a full day after working all night because of a job transition I am making (more on that later).  The blessing of working part time is not lost on me.  I came home missing my sweet boy and could not get enough snuggles.  I am so incredibly grateful to be able to work weird hours where my babe doesn't even know I'm gone, and to be able to transition into different job where I can provide for my family but be home with Grayson a little more often as well.

Here is a recent picture of my little heart breaker. 15 lbs 8 ounces of pure yumminess.  Spell check says yumminess is not a word.  I disagree.

On that note I am going to go try to sleep while my little goober does too.  Fingers crossed that it is for more than 45 minutes.

I Will Wait

When we were driving to the hospital to deliver Grayson the song "I Will Wait" by Mumford and Sons was on the radio.  It was also on the radio when we drove to my mom's service, as well as Jon's Uncle Bob's service last night.

So now I have a thing with this song just like a junior high girl who is infatuated with the song she shares with her new boyfriend.  Apparently music is able to take a stab at my maturity level.

Now this is "my" song.  At least for the moment.  It's no K-Ci and JoJo "All my Life," but it has spoken to me none the less.

Here are the lyrics that I want to dissect like an English teacher wants to dissect Romeo and Juliet.  I want to find the hidden message.

And I came home

Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of darkness
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step
And relent
You forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way
Shake the excess

But I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies

But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

I know it sounds cheesy, but I do feel like God was able to use this song to speak to my soul.  Only my soul is a little slow.  He really had to dumb it down for me and use a single word.  

Wait.

Wait for your sweet baby boy.  Take each contraction as it comes.  Take every milestone in.  Rise up to every parenting challenge.  Stop rushing, just wait.

Wait for your mom to walk through heaven's gates.  Take in each memory, each hug, each kiss, each cuddle.  Take snap shots with your mind.

Wait in your marriage.  Be patient.  Stop running.  Be present.

Wait and bask in the love that currently surrounds you.  You are loved.  You are O.K.  You don't always have to be the strong one.

So I have tried to do just that.  I am trying to slow down, and just wait.  See how life unfolds and what direction and adventure my family is to embark on next. I want the next season of my life to develop and unfold.  I am trying to be present in life's little moments, while I am so keenly aware of how fleeting they are.  

Raise my hands, paint my spirit gold, and bow my head, Keep my heart slow.

Songs seem to quickly transport us back to seasons in our lives.  I waver between never wanting to return to this season and the feelings I have, and at the same time never wanting it to end.  This has been a season of the happiest happies with the crappiest crappies.  It will be interesting to see what feeling washes over me when I hear that song in years to come, but for now, I will listen to God's urging and just wait.

Luckily this little stinker is so cute while he refuses to nap.  I will wait and hang out with you all day my little lovie.